just because

Image via

"Should is a futile word. It's about what didn't happen. It belongs in a parallel universe. It belongs in another dimension of space."

Margaret Atwood in The Blind Assassin

. . .

Working not only on accepting what is, but also on being grateful for it and content within it. That said, I'm finding myself more motivated than I ever have been to push myself a little farther and accept myself ever so slightly more each day. I've always loved children, but this is the first time I've ever truly wanted to be better for a child. It's easy to do right by myself when I ask what I'd want for my baby - and isn't that what my own mother most likely wants for me? Why get lost in the "shoulds" when we can transform what is (if only by first accepting it)?

Sweet Pumpkin Baby, you are the best blessing I've ever known.

sunday belly shots

16 weeks, 5 days

. . . 

Not that I want this space to suddenly become pregnancy- and baby-centric, but it is sort of the number one thing happening in my life right now. It's a baffling, miraculous, boundary-testing journey, something I don't think I ever really could've been fully prepared for. Some people try for years to finally have this experience; I'm still a little shocked it happened so easily and instantly for us. (Honestly, I often feel a tiny bit guilty, too. Some of those years-long "try-ers" are friends of mine. As always though, I do my best to turn that guilt into gratitude. I'd rather grow this baby full of joy, you know? I guess the plus side of the guilt, if there is such a thing, is the increased awareness of what a crazy-good blessing this is. I've never been so in love with the unseen and unknown.)

thank you/love you

From one expectant mama to those that came before me (and most especially my own) . . .

Happy Mother's Day

Meeting Grandma Berns, June 18, 2011 

(Left to Right: Andy's grandma, Andy's mom, and my mom)

another favorite i've been hoarding

This poem has its own small pocket in my heart (especially the second and fourth stanzas), filed alongside all the others.


Wendell Berry
MANIFESTO: THE MAD FARMER LIBERATION FRONT

Love the quick profit, the annual raise,
vacation with pay. Want more
of everything ready-made. Be afraid
to know your neighbors and to die.
And you will have a window in your head.
Not even your future will be a mystery
any more. Your mind will be punched in a card
and shut away in a little drawer.
When they want you to buy something
they will call you. When they want you
to die for profit they will let you know.

So, friends, every day do something
that won’t compute. Love the Lord.
Love the world. Work for nothing.
Take all that you have and be poor.
Love someone who does not deserve it.
Denounce the government and embrace
the flag. Hope to live in that free
republic for which it stands.
Give your approval to all you cannot
understand. Praise ignorance, for what man
has not encountered he has not destroyed.

Invest in the millennium. Plant sequoias.
Say that your main crop is the forest
that you did not plant,
that you will not live to harvest.
Say that the leaves are harvested
when they have rotted into the mold.
Call that profit. Prophesy such returns.

Put your faith in the two inches of humus
that will build under the trees
every thousand years.
Listen to carrion--put your ear
close, and hear the faint chattering
of the songs that are to come.
Expect the end of the world. Laugh.
Laughter is immeasurable. Be joyful
though you have considered all the facts.
So long as women do not go cheap
for power, please women more than men.
Ask yourself: Will this satisfy
a woman satisfied to bear a child?
Will this disturb the sleep
of a woman near to giving birth?

Go with your love to the fields.
Lie down in the shade. Rest your head
in her lap. Swear allegiance
to what is nighest your thoughts.
As soon as the generals and the politicos
can predict the motions of your mind,
lose it. Leave it as a sign
to mark the false trail, the way
you didn’t go. Be like the fox
who makes more tracks than necessary,
some in the wrong direction.

Practice resurrection.

Image here, via my Pinterest

hiatus

Or rather, why I've (accidentally) been on one.

And the reason is this:

A little start-of-March surprise that has since led to this:

And, most recently, this:

Of course, that last one was after a big meal of my number one craving (veggie subs from Jimmy John's) and GALLONS of iced tea (never before in my life have I wanted anything "iced," and now I can't get enough of the stuff).

I am 14 weeks 3 days today.

What a crazy little unexpected miracle, eh? Lucky for us, it's dang near impossible to see this as anything but an all-out blessing. Even though I've been sick as a dog (HOLY HELL. No one tells you that part. Or at least, no one really told me. Or maybe they did, and I never processed just what it meant. But man, it's been hideous. Hence the radio silence around here!), I find myself thanking the universe every day, sometimes every hour. 

So, shaken, happy, and grateful (but ultimately no worse for the wear), I've finally made my way back. Here goes . . . . x