everything, all at once

Seems like June just got here and we're already preparing for the Fourth of July! Actually, the Krauspe/Kiger household is preparing for two job changes (my last day is tomorrow, and Andy starts a new position full time on Tuesday), a move, a new car, our family reunion (this weekend), and the wedding of a good friend (next weekend--and I'm in it.). Holy crap, that's a lot to cram into the span of one week. In my better moments I'm able to see it all as an opportunity to practice mindfulness, calm amidst the chaos and all that. (Key word being "practice," as most of the time I feel like I can hardly breathe!)

Ah, anyway. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time. Andy and I just finished washing and packing all the flatware and utensils, and he just headed out to pick up dinner. Caleb has been asleep since six (!--pretty sure he's in a growth spurt), and OH MY GOD. It's kind of amazing. I'm thankful to finally have a few minutes to type this post, have a glass of wine, and remember that everything will settle down again eventually. Maybe one day I'll even have time to get bored ;)

Photos from school this past Monday. It was an incredible teaching day. I felt so relaxed, joyful even, and the kids were incredibly focused. They produced some incredible work, the conversations were excellent, and everything flowed. Such a gift in my last week.

sweet summer so far

via Modern Hepburn

Thinking of taking Cabey Baby walking past Hemingway's childhood home today. I haven't been that direction since last year. As much as Hemingway couldn't wait to get away from here, the place he grew up is surrounded by beautiful trees and plenty of sidewalk. 

I'm attempting to take at least one photo everyday from June to Labor Day. I have such a strong desire to really savor this first summer with my baby! A few snapshots of what we've been up to so far . . .

We got the apartment! Moving July 1st.

Beating the heat before bed.

Weekend tradition: We head to our local coffee shop for AMAZING doughnuts.

New summer sandals. Love those chubby baby legs!

But of course babies don't need sandals. We took them off to feel grass between our toes.

He loves staring at trees and listening to birdsong and the rustle of leaves.

He also loves trying to grab my phone as I take his picture ;) I put it away after this shot and we tree-gazed together.

there's a pitcher nearby (fill up your cup)

Photo via A Well Traveled Woman

Today I can say, for the first time in a long time:

I am happy.

I'm filled to the brim with gratitude and joy, and it is so incredibly satisfying.

More to come...

On you go. (It really is time for me to get my little tattoo, a constant visual reminder of this truth.)

too much too much too many too much

Image via

[Written three days ago]

My brain has been spinning; I don't know where to start or how to stop the chaos.

It's probably time for yoga. I wish it were easier to take the time these days.

I keep having this vision: Me, walking into a lake, calmly, without stopping. How relaxing it would be to walk to the water's edge and keep going, to go under, to let go.

It's also a little terrifying; I realize these aren't the thoughts of healthy, balanced, "normal" people. It scares me just how much comfort I find in them.

And so I repeat, over and over again: This is not me. This is illness.

Sometimes I even believe it.

Maybe paying a babysitter so I can go to Bikram isn't such a bad idea after all. It's exhausting to be so full of self-loathing. Add to that a love for my child so overwhelming it's physically painful at times and about 100,000 daydreams and to-dos zooming through my head (none of which I really have enough energy to complete), and I can hardly breathe.

Poster available here

. . .

Phew! Glad I didn't hit "Publish" before there was light glimmering at the end of that tunnel. This holiday weekend has been much-needed and so restorative. I'm very ready to be done with work (one more month!) so that I can continue focusing on my family and mental well-being. You can have the life you want. Each step I make towards that life, in harmony with a guidance greater than myself, is a victory. My weekend reads like a hodgepodge gratitude list of sorts (and for that alone I am grateful!). Breathe, step, breathe. On you go. 

Reasons I'm saying thank you right now...

*We may have found a new apartment that checks every box on our wish list (dishwasher, free laundry, a backyard with garden space, private porch, separate entryway, walk-in pantry, private storage space, covered parking, on a residential street, literally STEPS from town...be still my heart! Also, my fingers hurt from crossing them so hard.). It's in a two-flat, built over 100 years ago, and most of the original doors and hardware are still in tact, as are the fantastic pointed archways. The kitchen and bathroom, however, were JUST redone (we're talking gleaming white subway tile surrounding a gorgeous tub. Ack, I can't take anymore! Please, cross your fingers too?). 

*Friday night Lou Malnati's + an excellent podcast is a winning combination.

*I'm going to this writer's talk and participating in a community art project.

*I sold my first set of custom personalized stationary! Excited for more on the way.

*My parents visited us yesterday for coffee and doughnuts (these are my new favorite weekend tradition) before heading to church. Afterwards we decided to go out for lunch, too. Andy has been working all weekend, so it was amazing to still have a "family day" (and to be so well-fed! Also, if we get the new apartment we'll be approximately a one minute walk from the coffee shop. 45 seconds walking fast.). 

*I'm a total addict. Helps put me in the yoga mindset week after week--now I just need the full benefits of that glorious hot room!

Image here via Pinterest

(I should note that I know I'm "buzzing" right now. The rapid and drastic upswing also gives me pause. I write knowing that this version of the other side doesn't mean I'm over the bridge. I'd like to document the experience of illness and understanding still unfolding.)