Friday, October 28, 2011

watch this: jessica's daily affirmation // renegotiating

My mom recently sent this video. Have you seen it?

Some days, it's hard for me not to replace "I like" with "I miss". While I'm so grateful to be here and am learning tons, it can be hard to avoid dwelling in the gaps - you know, those spaces and places in your heart that nothing but home and family can fill.

I miss my room (with requisite mess)

I miss my stuff (created and collected over many years)

I miss my clothes (though this grey sweater and colorful scarf are still there waiting for me)

I even miss this (hopefully at Christmas - fingers crossed!)

The thing is, though, that's not my room anymore. My mom would often say, "This will always be your home." Even so, I think I'm struggling to process that I'm part of a new family now, and we must craft our own home. This requires a somewhat tricky renegotiation of roles. As I fumble through figuring out what it means to be a wife, I also feel like I'm sorting out what it means to be an adult. What does it mean to be someone who is (in a few years, anyway) getting ready to have children, as opposed to being the child? When Andy and I leave Abu Dhabi, it will be the first time in my life that I won't return to the safety and security of my parents' home. There is a grief for my childhood that I wasn't anticipating.

Please don't misinterpret: I love my husband, and I love my life. (I like my hair, I like my haircut, I like my house... :) ) Maybe it's an issue with our "fairytale culture" that we don't allow space for the muck and contemplation a life-altering transition entails. I don't think I had too many illusions about creating some larger-than-life, day-of-my-dreams event when it came to the wedding, and I never expected to be whisked away by some prince to the land of oblivion - I never wanted that. The trouble is, it's easier for people to understand when you do. Want that, I mean. Put a perfect bow on a perfect box containing your perfect life, and call it a day. But you know what? The sticky, messy, mucky part of life is where the actual living takes place. So I'm fine with getting my hands dirty; I just need a good bubble bath every now and then. And plenty of time to process.

You know? No? Well anyway. Funnily enough, I'm off to clean - have to get the apartment for our Halloween party. Maybe I'll find time to fit a bath in there as well. x