[Written three days ago]
My brain has been spinning; I don't know where to start or how to stop the chaos.
It's probably time for yoga. I wish it were easier to take the time these days.
I keep having this vision: Me, walking into a lake, calmly, without stopping. How relaxing it would be to walk to the water's edge and keep going, to go under, to let go.
It's also a little terrifying; I realize these aren't the thoughts of healthy, balanced, "normal" people. It scares me just how much comfort I find in them.
And so I repeat, over and over again: This is not me. This is illness.
Sometimes I even believe it.
Maybe paying a babysitter so I can go to Bikram isn't such a bad idea after all. It's exhausting to be so full of self-loathing. Add to that a love for my child so overwhelming it's physically painful at times and about 100,000 daydreams and to-dos zooming through my head (none of which I really have enough energy to complete), and I can hardly breathe.
. . .
Phew! Glad I didn't hit "Publish" before there was light glimmering at the end of that tunnel. This holiday weekend has been much-needed and so restorative. I'm very ready to be done with work (one more month!) so that I can continue focusing on my family and mental well-being. You can have the life you want. Each step I make towards that life, in harmony with a guidance greater than myself, is a victory. My weekend reads like a hodgepodge gratitude list of sorts (and for that alone I am grateful!). Breathe, step, breathe. On you go.
Reasons I'm saying thank you right now...
*We may have found a new apartment that checks every box on our wish list (dishwasher, free laundry, a backyard with garden space, private porch, separate entryway, walk-in pantry, private storage space, covered parking, on a residential street, literally STEPS from town...be still my heart! Also, my fingers hurt from crossing them so hard.). It's in a two-flat, built over 100 years ago, and most of the original doors and hardware are still in tact, as are the fantastic pointed archways. The kitchen and bathroom, however, were JUST redone (we're talking gleaming white subway tile surrounding a gorgeous tub. Ack, I can't take anymore! Please, cross your fingers too?).
*I sold my first set of custom personalized stationary! Excited for more on the way.
*My parents visited us yesterday for coffee and doughnuts (these are my new favorite weekend tradition) before heading to church. Afterwards we decided to go out for lunch, too. Andy has been working all weekend, so it was amazing to still have a "family day" (and to be so well-fed! Also, if we get the new apartment we'll be approximately a one minute walk from the coffee shop. 45 seconds walking fast.).
(I should note that I know I'm "buzzing" right now. The rapid and drastic upswing also gives me pause. I write knowing that this version of the other side doesn't mean I'm over the bridge. I'd like to document the experience of illness and understanding still unfolding.)
