what i'm doing about iraq

Peace. Budanilkantha, Nepal, 2012

The news has been so rife with viscousness and evil lately. At night I find myself reverting to the 10-year-old girl that would cry herself silly because people were dying of AIDS and gorillas were being slaughtered, and I couldn't do anything to comprehend or stop it. How do you deal with a genocide from the other side of the world? Equipped with nothing but my very own self and surroundings, here is how I've been attempting to live that question lately.

1. Cuddling my own baby closer.

The love I have for Caleb is wider and deeper than anything I have ever known. And I believe in the power of that love. 

At the start of the year, I chose a word for 2014: Present. It's easy to stay present with Caleb as he quietly snuggles into me and drifts off to sleep, while I stroke his hair and breathe in his sweet baby scent. It's a little harder when all I want to do is finish a cup of coffee before it gets cold, and he WON'T STOP SCREAMING. Even after every basic need has, as far as I can tell, been fulfilled. This week I've recommitted to practicing calm and mindfulness through it all. At any given moment we are safe and surrounded by abundance. Love and gratitude--and practice, practice, practice. I have to believe it means something.

2. Delving deeper into my faith.

It would be easy to look at the news and decide that there is no God, religion is the root of all evil, and humankind is destined to completely lose its shit, Lord of the Flies-style. Maybe that's true. But as I believe in love, I also put a lot of stock in mercy, compassion, and hope. These are guideposts as I walk the path of Catholicism. It's a call to look beyond my own pain and ego, to both look for and be one of "the helpers". It has been incredible in recent weeks to discover potential cohorts on the journey here online.

3. Working towards wholeness and healing.

As with my faith, yoga helps me cultivate detachment from my mind and ego. In the past 9 days, I've gone to Bikram 7 times. Self-care is the first thing to go when I'm spiraling into a depression. But when yoga is on the calendar, I make sure to drink plenty of water and eat well so I'll have the energy for class. I ensure I have clean clothes to wear to, from, and during class. I shower. This may seem utterly basic, but if you've ever been depressed you know how impossible just climbing out of bed can feel. 

How on earth does this help dying people across the world? Honestly, I'm not entirely sure it does. As a starting point I turn to Ghandi's famous line: "Be the change you wish to see in the world." If I want a more compassionate, loving world, then I need to be compassionate and loving. This means towards myself, too. Not in a self-involved way, but in a way that says: "I'm strong enough to take care of myself so that I have the energy and focus to do more." Which brings me to my next step:

4. Helping those struggling in my own backyard.

Whenever I read about children suffering in the world, I want to book the next flight out and DO SOMETHING. As a teacher and mother, children are my life. In fact, my desire to help children is the reason this blog was started in the first place. I absolutely love the speech Amy Poehler gave on behalf of the Worldwide Orphans Foundation at the 2013 Power of Women Event, especially these lines: "We should teach children all over the world that they are beautiful and loved and deserve the simple, basic things in life...[The goal is] that what we're doing now lives on, that life continues, and that love wins." YES.

But the crazy, ridiculous thing people often overlook (or, at least, I do)? There are children that need us RIGHT WHERE WE ARE. I would love to have a superpower that allows me magically rescue scared children in every war zone everywhere, from Iraq to Gaza to Chicago. To hold frightened and abandoned little ones and tell them how loved and wanted and necessary they are. Since I don't anticipate boarding a flight any time soon, I called up an organization here in my neighborhood that provides shelter and care for children who have been subject to neglect, abuse, and trauma. Volunteer orientation is in a few weeks. In the meantime, it's breathe, step, breathe. Repeat. It's the only way I know to keep from falling apart.

Photos top to bottom: Oman, Spring 2012; South Africa, Fall 2007; Nepal, Summer 2012

. . .

Related: My best prayers for peace, staying vulnerable, and an eleven-year-old's perspective on Rwanda.

Also: Poetry is often a coping mechanism for me when the world is too heavy. Here is the poem I shared after Newtown, and these are all the poems I've shared on the blog.

grateful/lately

We had an overcast morning yesterday following some intense storms during the night. Every now and then I love a grey day--there's no pressure to go outside or do much of anything. Caleb took an early nap, and I watched a show in bed while I drank my morning coffee. I can't remember the last time I stopped and just sat like that. It felt good.

Eventually the sun did come out. We ran a few errands, and Caleb played in his travel crib outside while I mowed the lawn. He went down for the night around 6:30 (!). Andy got home shortly after, so I was able to go to yoga. It was my first time back since probably May. The class was a tough one, absolutely sweltering, but it felt amazing. I didn't take any breaks, and afterwards I ponied up the cash for a month of unlimited classes. Guess I'm tired of waiting for the "right" or "perfect" conditions. I'll be going back tonight. First, though, Caleb and I are off to meet Andy at his boss's house for a pool day. No complaints here. Really, truly. I'm glad I listened to my heart and left my job. Being home is so good, for all of us. 

My in-progress office. A clean slate.

New sneaks! So incredibly comfortable.

Fruits of the Summer salad. Perfection.

And my son, cuddler of cardboard babies and self-feeding machine. 

Caleb, you are the best blessing I have ever known.

on track

As I work towards cooking healthy meals on the regular, I thought it'd be helpful to have a weekly tracking sheet to record my efforts. I used to do this years ago but fell out of the habit. Now that I have a bit of baby weight to lose, it seemed time to bring it back. I'll also be training for a few races this fall, so I made a fitness log too. The upper righthand corner of each has a space for a "goal of the week" (or a motivating phrase). I don't anticipate using these forever, but for now it's nice to have a way to see my progress and stay accountable.

feed thyself (thy family, too)

Since moving we've been doing a lot more cooking at home, and it's such a relaxing way to unwind in the evenings. Our kitchen is easily my favorite room in the house--bright and light, with plenty of room for everyone.

When I lived in Germany, we ate all three meals together as a family every day. Breakfast was simple, usually some sort of spread/bread combo and coffee. Lunch was the big meal of the day and almost always hot. Around 4pm we'd have an espresso break, sometimes with a small piece of chocolate or a cookie. In the evenings we'd have our abendsbrot (bread with cheese or a savory spread) accompanied by soup or salad. (When there was a good mystery show on we'd eat dinner in front of the TV, which is about the only similarity to my American upbringing.) If we'd gone out for kaffee und kuchen (coffee and cake) earlier in the afternoon we'd skip dinner altogether. I loved the simplicity, routine, and ritual of it all. I'd like to raise Caleb with a version of this German approach to mealtimes.

Today was a success, and the more I meal plan, food shop, and recipe hunt, the easier it all becomes. I also enjoy it so much. I find having a routine to be really freeing, actually.

This morning Caleb enjoyed a banana while I drank a smoothie based on one served at our local juice bar. Their version uses dates, coconut, and vanilla almond milk with lots of ice. I subbed coconut almond milk for the vanilla, skipped the ice, kept the dates, and added banana, frozen spinach, and flax meal. It was SO GOOD! Extremely filling and energizing.

For lunch, I made a cauliflower soup adapted from a slew of recipes I cobbled together. I started with a mirepoix, added an entire head of cauliflower (cut into florets), and used vegetable stock for the liquid (hence the orange-y color). Before serving I stirred in a spoonful of Greek yogurt for a little creaminess, then topped it off with crumbled goat cheese and chives. Satisfying without being overly hearty. Caleb gobbled it up, too. On the side I had a pretzel roll with avocado and havarti.

Once dinner rolled around I wasn't that hungry. A small serving of hot salt-and-vinegar potatoes was plenty (and delicious!). I followed the recipe in the link but subbed tricolor potatoes, since I already had them on hand. And once again, Caleb was a major fan :) We all especially loved the purple potatoes.

I've got a few more recipes already chosen for the week centered on ingredients we already have. I'd also like to try something unlike anything I've done before (not hard, as what you see here is pretty much my first real and consistent foray into cooking). Garlic scape tempura, anyone?