meanwhile

Mary Oliver

WILD GEESE

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees

for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body

love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain

are moving across the landscapes,

over the prairies and the deep trees,

the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,

are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --

over and over announcing your place

in the family of things.

--

I've been going through a little something. Due in part, I think, to the transition back to work, but also just patterns and tendencies in my own life. I still want to write our birth story. (I still want to send out Caleb's birth announcements, which were supposed to be Christmas cards, too.) 

But not yet. Not today.

It was reassuring to read an old post on Cup of Jo today, where I was reminded of the poem above. One foot in front of the other. . . On you go.

very merry

Hope you had a wonderful Christmas! (And Hannukah... and Thanksgiving... It's been awhile.)

Baby Caleb's first Christmas was a success, in that we survived and were utterly spoiled. Now we get to go back to the ordinary (or establishing our ordinary, anyway), and I'm so ready for it. Time at home enjoying the new year with this new baby is all I really want anyway. In fact, he's all I've ever really wanted. Soaked in love, straight from the source. My heart can hardly take it.

two days before delivery

On Sunday, November 3, my mom took me to the hospital to be checked by the midwife on call. I thought my water might've broken in the middle of the night. (Nope. Turns out I wet the bed - first instance of incontinence for the entire pregnancy, and the only one I can remember in my entire life! Glamorous, ain't it?) 

An hour of fetal monitoring and an internal exam showed all was well. The midwife decided to send me for an ultrasound anyway, just to make extra sure baby was OK in there as I approached 41 weeks. Once again, everything pointed to him being safe, healthy, and satisfied. My mom and I went for a celebratory breakfast, and I was finally able to really relax, knowing our guy would come when he was ready. In the meantime he was more than fine.

After breakfast, my mom dropped me off at one of my favorite places on Earth, and Andy left work early to come meet me. It was amazing to just walk and talk together, knowing we were in the last days of our twosome status. While I can't say all of pregnancy has been as glowing and serene as the photo above (taken by Andy as the sun was starting to set), in that moment I truly was at peace. Ready to meet our son, yes, but finally content in the waiting place.

He was born two days later, and it was the best, most transformative and miraculous experience of my life. More on that to come, eventually... x

currently

Hanging out in our in-progress nursery, contemplating it all. So far it's just an area rug and bookshelf (full of, yes, mostly my books...but hopefully someday our son will read and appreciate them!). I had to take all the books down to move the shelf so the rug would fit, and of course I decided to sort and dust them all while I was at it. My dad is on his way over with the crib now, wahoo! I'm so excited to keep this nesting party going. Love an empty room and fresh start. (OK, it's only empty because I moved the entire contents to the living room for sorting, but nevermind. I shall continue relaxing in here, pretending minimalism and cleanliness is my life.)

The bump continues to expand nicely. This is from a couple days ago; I'm nearly 35 weeks along! Strange to think that in a maximum of seven weeks we'll have a new little human in our lives. Crazy amazing! Maybe I'll be forced to eat my words, but so far becoming a mama feels like I'm becoming myself.

The cats are troopers amidst all this chaos. I wish I could perfect the art of the chill-out, cat-style. This was Abby a few weeks ago, right before we disassembled the dining table for storage. Since my former art space is now our nursery, we decided to move my desk into the living room and store the dining table and chairs. While we love the idea of family meals around the table, it's one of those things that will have to wait a year or two. It's been good for me to go through all my craft stuff, too, as we move it into more communal space or storage. I've been loving getting rid of things lately, trading my usual clinging sentimentality for the freedom of the goodwill pile. Is that part of nesting? I don't know, but in any case, I suppose it's time to get back to it.