Sunday, November 8, 2009

perfectionism is anything but perfect

Sorry I haven't been writing. The lack of blog activity probably has something to do with the fact that I spend all my time working on school stuff, and the moments in between wondering, How am I EVER going to do this? Or at least do it even moderately well.

I should probably stop comparing myself to Rafe Esquith.

It's hard to quit a lifelong habit, so ingrained that it frequently threatens to define who I am. I mean being a perfectionist, of course, which is probably why my expectations are too high. Seeing as this is starting to seriously inhibit my teaching, it's a problem. Oddly enough, the more I aim for perfection, the crappier life seems to become.

Mostly I just need some babies to cuddle, I think. If I can't get someone else to hold me, I may as well do the holding. (For now, I've decided to replace hugs with the Hamam.) (Though there's really no substitute for baby-cuddling.) (I can be such a girl sometimes.)

At least there's a little laughter in the classroom. It comes suddenly at times, in between reminders that, "You only have five minutes, and I WILL be marking this, so you'd better do less talking and more writing."

We begin lessons by zipping our lips, opening our ears, and putting our thinking caps on. The other day, a little boy just sitting down to start his maths worksheet said, "Oh wait, I don't have my thinking cap on!" and proceeded to mime pulling a hat over his head. I laughed to myself at that one, which eased some of the tightness building up around my heart, as well as the knot that has made itself a permanent fixture in my stomach.

Oy and vey.

I try to remind myself that I already have a job lined up. (In case you didn't get the memo, I'll be starting a short-term post at BBS in January as a Year 3 Classroom Teacher.) But that's kind of stupid, because it generally makes me feel worse: "OH NO! They hired someone completely inept, and they'll probably change their minds at any minute!"

Also, I do not want to live my entire life telling myself, "I can do anything short term, I can do anything short term," over and over again. Multiple years of "getting through" have robbed that coping mechanism of its power.

Maybe I'll replace it with a line from Ani: "I've got myself a new mantra/It says: Don't forget to have a good time!"

Speaking of good times, ask me to recreate Miss K's Magic Maths Shop for you the next time we're together. Explaining it here won't do the hilarity justice. What a ridiculous person I am. Those poor children don't know what's hit them.


Pictures soon, cross my heart. I just have to take some first. . . . xx