Friday, January 13, 2012

in the raw

Last night I reread some of my journal entries from the past couple weeks. This one, from January 1st, relates, at least in part, to what I wrote about yesterday, so I thought I'd go ahead and post some of it here.


"...I am bubbling over with resolve this year, just about ready to burst with all the everything I've had swimming in my mind lately. On marriage, my next steps, fear of being an artist (I want it so badly it terrifies me), noise on ways to live and what makes up the "self", noise of song lyrics and movie lines and tips on better living.

I've come to the conclusion that I read far too many blogs.

Generally I gravitate towards certain breeds of "lifestyle" blogs, full of juicy bits about clothing, food, products, etc -- and not a lot of depth. The writers of these blogs always seem so very together. Like some sort of whitewashed, new American dream: BEHOLD THE MODERN WOMAN! Sure, she sometimes gets stressed from her day-to-day duties (i.e., "doing it all"), but she wouldn't have it any other way. Ain't life GRAND?

These blog writers also either a) photograph extremely well (and have friends to take those pictures), or b) are budding photographers themselves. Though I admit to reading these blogs every damn day, they make me tired. I either start to feel like I'm short-circuiting from information overload, or I'm not measuring up in the slightest. 

Today it hit me: I don't want a "lifestyle" -- I want a LIFE. A messy, rich, rough-around-the-edges, honest-to-goodness (and occasionally honest-to-a-fault) life. It doesn't have to look like or be anything other than what it is, and it most certainly doesn't have to photograph well.

Once of the reasons I think I've been so fixated on becoming a photographer these past couple years (or at least on learning to take decent pictures) is because "everyone else was doing it." Everywhere I looked (at least in blogworld) my eyes were filled with incredible imagery of the everyday. It made my own life seem less and less vibrant. But each time I'd start to read up on cameras and photography, it left me feeling unbelievably, painfully bored. So I'd move on to wishing I had talented, artsy photographer friends to not only collaborate with but also make me look extra cool and pretty in photos (to post on my blog, of course. Hello, narcissism!). Since this is not the case, again, I'd be plunged into a whole new "my life sucks and so do I" pity party.


I'm giving other people's blogs a break for awhile. I'm spending time figuring out what the voice deep inside of me has to say, what it wants to be. I'm tired of noise -- I want insight. I want to know what I have to say, want to figure out what and how I think, and to clear out the clutter that's in the way of me figuring it out. Right now, there's hardly anything I know for certain. I'm overwhelmed by input, body, mind, soul. It's time for something different. I don't want resolution; I want renewal. Cheers, year ahead. And cheers to whoever I'm still learning to be."

*Added for the sake of irony? Or maybe because I believe in paradox.