Sunday, January 15, 2012

leave it?

Oh, lordy.

I don't like the feeling of silencing myself, you know? Of not feeling like I can speak freely. I often have trouble walking the line between what is socially acceptable and what . . . . isn't. A lot of time is spent asking, "But why?" And there are never any good answers, so it's a constant battle between figuring out if I should play the game full-force (all the while recognizing it is, indeed, a game), or bailing. Sometimes I want to live in a yurt in the middle of nowhere. Not that that's any kind of answer, but it's appealing to think about giving it a go.

Just like it was appealing to think about giving this whole adventure a go. There was a part of my privileged self that wanted to see what it was like to be the underdog. To be, essentially, the hired help.

I think I can say I've had that taste. And you know what?

I. don't. like. it.

So, stick it out, or see what's next?

I'm hesitant even writing this, because there's also that core part of me that's still so dang thankful. (Also, scared.)

Yesterday someone said, "Hey, it's their country, like it or leave." And I thought to myself, Um, I don't think I'll ever like human rights violations. Someone else said, "Hey, you're making money, life's good, live it up and have fun!" And I smiled but thought, Are you joking? What if everyone went through life so mindlessly? (It reminded me of this post from a couple years ago. I've never been one to selfishly suck it up. Until now? Of course, living alone in a yurt wouldn't help anyone, either . . . . Oi. I wear myself out.)

So there you have it, world.

I simply don't know.

Cozy spaces and happy places, all via my Pinterest board.